Nov 28, 2010

Not Eloquent At All



After it happened, I sat in the hospital lobby for about two hours, mainly because I had forgotten how to walk. Then I sat in my car in the parking lot of a strip mall for another two.

After that, I got a hotel room, and I sat in a warm bath as long as I could. Then I curled up naked on top of the bedcovers, thinking that maybe if I closed my eyes and stayed there long enough, he'd show up and crawl into bed behind me. I waited until my whole body was shaking from the cold. And then I waited some more.

He never showed up.

Nov 21, 2010

This Is Wonderful


The world has a nemesis.

Well, if not the world, then at least the country. And I don't mean my own personal nemesis. While I have been mentioned on their website, I know that I'm not awesome enough to be, you know, a personal adversary. No, no, this is a nemesis all of us need to keep an eye on.

They're called Kansas Kountry Khurch.

Nov 17, 2010

Shaking the Family Tree


So I have this thing. It's called pleurisy. Basically, pleurisy is when you have an infection in the lining of your lungs, so that when you breathe, the pleura kind of pulls away from the rest of the lung. It results in a stabbing feeling every time you inhale. For reals. It's like getting stabbed with a knife, in your lung, every time you inhale. You can try to keep your breaths really shallow to avoid it, but you also can't sustain that for a long time, so sooner or later, you know, you're going to get stabbed.

It ain't so fun.

Nov 14, 2010

A Life More Ordinary


It's only maybe a week since I've allowed myself to put my guard down.

Really, I should say since I resigned myself to having my guard down. I don't have a choice in the matter. I'm so exhausted and fragile right now that really, the only choice is whether to leave the house or never leave the house. Since I enjoy earning a paycheck, I've opted for leaving the house defenseless and weak. But I thought at least it might help me figure out what happens in ordinary life--life without aliases and disguises and alter egos, without SuperPowers and nemeses and getaway cars.

So far, I've only discovered one major thing that happens when a girl walks around with her guard down: guys hit on her like there's no tomorrow. Seriously, dudes are crawling out of the woodwork to sling some mack on me. And we're not talking your expected alcohol-fueled party flirting, or the closing time move-in-for-the-kill. I'm talking about, like, on the street, you know? At the Quality Dairy. When I'm walking to class. It's like one of the scenes from Dawn of the Dead where you see all the zombies outside the mall trying to get in to murder the living, only replace "zombies" with "strange dudes looking to get laid". It's frickin' ridiculous.

Nov 11, 2010

Rescue Me


I've fallen down on the job, my babies.

For reals.

The last few months...I don't know.

Transitions are so rough. So, I left South Central and moved up here to Rust City, and everything was so different. Rust City is a great place and all--no complaints here--but it's so different from South Central that I think I got the culture shock. I mean, once the initial distractions of moving and unpacking and junk fell away, I started having a bit of a panic. The panic of realizing I was basically alone in a new city--once again, a girl completely on her own. I mean, there are folks here in Rust City I can call in the case of an emergency, folks that I can count on for the occasional work lunch and once-a-month knees-up at a karaoke bar in the country, but there's no one local that's really a part of my everyday life, you know? No one I can call up after work to chat about the crazy things that happened that day. No one to plan strange art projects with. No one to cause trouble with. No one to go to concerts. Or on road trips. Or watch movies. Or stay up all night with and have those conversations you only have at 3am. You know, just no one.

Nov 10, 2010

A Harsh Mistress


It's time for me to say that I think it's really funny when people stumble across this blog because they're looking for Fat Girl Porn. (I'm lookin' at you, Slovenia!) I can see the arc of anticipation, realization, and disappointment that ultimately leaves the searchers on the Mountain of No Joy.


Sorry, boys. Desire is a harsh mistress.

Nov 7, 2010

One Angry Girl



I know what it’s like when I get like this.

Angry. Frustrated. It doesn’t take a genius. Self-awareness isn’t a superpower—it just takes a little paying attention. And once you start paying attention to what you’re like, you can’t *stop* paying attention what you’re like. The thing about awareness is, once you got it, you got it. You know?

A little distinction here. It’s no surprise to anyone that I get pissed, because hey, if I had never been pissed, my SuperHero identity never would have been revealed. Great Big Girl would never have been born without the injustices that demanded her creation. So sure, I get filled with the Righteous Indignation or Touched with The Fire, and everybody’s seen that. And really, when The Fire is on me, I mainly get one of two reactions. Either the witnesses think, “Hey, the girl is right—that is unjust”, or they laugh. Because I feel The Fire with my whole body, and I can’t hide it, and I “Grrrrr!” and I shake my angry fist, and I open my throat and push the air up from the bottom of my lungs for the dramatic, emphatic, “That. Is. So. Wrong. I could. Fall. Down.” Yeah, I know. It’s not an act, though—it’s totally sincere. But people tend to think it’s funny.

I guess I can't time travel after all...


I can't stop looking at this picture and thinking about the day I took it. Everything was so peaceful and strange and perfect. I've been closing my eyes and trying to transport myself back there, but...nothing. I can't transport myself back a minute, let alone months back and thousands of miles away.


I'm searching for something. And I don't think all the charm and soothing telephone voices and magical push-up bras in the world will help me find it.