Here's a little tip for anyone who ever has an occasion to call a business establishment:
Be nice to the receptionist. Secretary. Operator/administrative assistant/office support staff.
Not just not-rude, but actively nice. And for the record, Smarmy Salesman Pseudo-Nice is only marginally better than not-rude. So really, nice. You don't have to kiss ass, just nice. If you've never called the place before, make like you're on a first date with someone who is not only hot, but also gently funny and kind to animals. Say hi, give your name, and act like a regular human being, if not because you actually are a regular human being, then because you recognize that the woman answering the phone Has What You Want. Remember, the secretary is The Gatekeeper.
And while I'm at it, let me chuck you another one.
Tip #2:
If you're told that party you've called for is currently on the phone, and would you like to leave a message in their voicemail?, never demand to speak to them "immediately". Because that ain't gonna work. And no matter how much you play on the windbag about how "it's really important", and no matter how many times you use words like "pressing" and "urgent", you're still going to hit a brick wall. Every time. The reason is two-fold and simple: 1.) If the secretary says the person is currently on the phone, then the person really is currently on the phone, and 2.) unless you own the business, sign the paychecks, or possibly fix the computers, no one is going to dump their current phone call for you.
Now, somewhere out there beyond the InterWebs, on the other side of a Compaq monitor from 1999, I hear a solitary, blustery "But . . . but . . . well, but I . . ." No dice, big fella. Not even for you.
Quick reality check: Dude, you're calling about acquiring Products. It's funnies. Or promotional pens. Or carpet samples. Or getting a Service. Photocopying. Back waxing. Whatever. No one's going to die in the two minutes it's going to take for So-and-So to call you back. I give you my word.
And since I'm on a roll, I won't even charge for Tip #3:
When the receptionist takes your call, all "This is The Company. How can I help you?", don't spoil the moment by demanding:
"IS THIS JACKIE?!?!?!?!"
or
"IS THIS KRISTA?!?!?!?!"
Chances are, you're wrong. And that makes it awkward. Then you have to get into, no, it's not Jackie. And it's definitely not Krista. And if you're all, hey, hey, but that's how I roll, then . . .
Tip #3b:
At lease nice it up with a "Hello there . . . IS THIS JACKIE?!?!?!?!"
And finally, Tip #3c:
Whatever you do, and in the name of all that's holy, do not follow it up with . . .
"WHERE'S JACKIE?!?!?!?!"
Dude, I have no idea.
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One SuperHero's Narrative of Desire, Sex, and Crime-Fighting.
3 comments:
"WHERE'S JACKIE?" hahaha. Ahhh you make me chuckle. Sounds like a performance waiting to happen. I have to tell you, having only been to chicago thrice (mostly airport with a bit of body worlds thrown in) (oh and wasn't that mall we went to in Chicago??) Anyway, as i can count on one hand the number of times i've been to Chicago and thus barely remember the place, i have to tell you I have some messed up vision of you working at the wierdest office in the world, with a boss who spanks you over the desk and tells you how many peas you can have for dinner. Maybe that's why Jackie left. MOVE TO LONDON!!!!! xxx
oh my gaaaawd, have i just committed blog faux pas revealing where you be living??? I take it all back.
Whoa. Your blog is filling a gaping hole I didn't even know I had in my life! You rule!
Please continue to tell it like it is, GBG!
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