The Year of Living Electronically: An Introduction

The time has come, my sweet, sweet babies.

Those of you in the Genius Patrol, as well as my trusted associates from A Town Near You, already know that sometimes a girl has a lot going on. And when that girl is also a SuperHero, fighting evil at every turn while simultaneously trying to keep her true identity under wraps, that "a lot" turns into A LOT. Because really, then she's working double time. She may be struggling along with four new class preps each semester (You heard it, my babies--four new class preps every single frickin' semester) while simultaneously scouring the county for the most notorious villains, lurking about shadowy corners, abandoned barns, and highway Welcome Centers. She may be grading her way through a stack of research papers while also masterminding a spectacularly stylish plan to topple a tyrannical regime. She may be desperately trying to escape from captivity in a SuperVillain's lair in an undisclosed location so that she can get to rehearsal on time...and all the while maintaining her two separate lives so that no one ever suspects who she truly is.

That's a lot of work, yo. That's more work than you could shake a proverbial stick at.

And what I'm building to here like some kind of big blowhard is: that's been the last almost-two years. That's been my time in South Central. Now of course you can say, "Well, isn't that the same as your time at The Company? Or at Hometown CC and Kountry Kollege? That's no excuse for abandoning us!" And you would be right to say so...well played, sir, and touche'. But the second I set foot in South Central, something happened. It was quiet...too quiet...and it was clear that secrecy was not only of the utmost importance, but perhaps almost impossible. At first, I was a little taken in by the dull, slow, sleepiness of South Central--in order for there to be injustice, something has to happen, right? Is it possible that there are no villains here to fight? Will my powers just go to waste out here among the corn an the pigs?

You know, because proximity plays a big role in the struggle between good and evil. Those of you who have never been to South Central--which, let's be honest, is just about all of you--may not be able to grasp its unique geography and the problem it presents for a Girl on a Mission. South central is tiny--say, maybe 900 people. (Locals say it's more, but they are not telling the truth.) Now that's not the biggest deal in itself, but the nearest big town, Civilization, is about 80 miles away, and what ya got between South Central and Civilization? A whole lotta nothin'. Oh, well, except for the county seat that has not only a hospital, but also a bar where shankings supposedly happen after the rodeo. So that kinda limits the options for Sticking It to The Man, because he ain't around much. Around these parts, if a Great Big Girl wants to do some good, she has to do it by finding some local evil.

But the proximity issue got me to thinking...where are all the people? Where are all the businesses and places people go to, you know, be people together? There is one coffee shop in South Central, and one lonely little bar in town where, as I was informed not only in my interview but also in my orientation, I would be fired the second I set foot inside. (The savviest union thugs among you may instantly recognize this is what the lawyers call "totally illegal", especially since my job required no morality clause or contract of personal behavior, but being a little slow on the uptake, I was not quick enough to see that this was, in fact, a GIANT RED FLAG.) So really, there was no place to go...I had an apartment with a guest room for all the SuperFriends who promised to come down to visit (ahem, ahem), but I knew no one in town. All but four of the faculty members were married, and in South Central "married" tends to mean "married with kids", which also tends to mean "not at all interested in hanging with weird, single strangers". I couldn't go to the one lonely little bar. The coffee shop was fair game, but it seemed mainly a student hangout. So that left me with...the IntaNetz. It was my only option to maintain some kind of connection to the "outside world", by which I mean "people".

So now that I am at liberty to so do--meaning that I have thrown off the shackles of my evil captors and emerged triumphant--I present to you The Year of Living Electronically, otherwise known as The Story of My Life in South Central. It's an epic battle of good vs. evil; it's a fish-out-of-water comedy; it's a 1980s pariah-to-prom queen transformation movie; it's a road trip tale. Basically, it has everything you want...unless you wanted something else. In the immortal words of Miss Jean Brodie, "For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like."

But now it's time to fill all y'all in on the dirt been going down in South Central, the true tale of what has been happening while I've been bound to the rock like a girly Prometheus; running madly through the moors like Catherine in a Midwestern Wuthering Heights; hosting my own private Fight Club for one way out here in BFE.

Just so you know, the tale may be in chronological order in Dickensian serial installments, or it may be out of order. I may jump back and forth between The Year of Living Electronically and what's going on in The Now, because a lot of sweet action is going on in The Now. Who knows? The deal with this is that some of us are so postmodern that we don't need to abide by the rules of time and chronology, but then others of us are so post-postmodern that we don't need to bother wondering what we're going to do with chronology from installment to installment. Because it just happens, you know. It's anybody's guess.

So dig in, my babies. I've made this especially for you.