In the Now: Genius Patrol--REUNITED!!!!

With the Genius Patrol, it always starts like this:

"Hey Lulu, do you remember the time you..."

And what inevitably follows is a long, embarrassing story that may involve any--or more likely, a combination of--the following: random nudity; falling down; mistaken identity; wheelchairs; knee pads; swearing like a sailor in the most inappropriate setting possible; hysterical laughter that turns into shrieks of abject terror; sweet-talking bartenders, security guards, or police; knocking over large tables of glassware; getting physically trapped in unusual spaces; strange animal encounters; drive-by catcalls by homeless men on bicycles; make-out parties; corset-related injuries; shopping for bull emasculators; stumbling out of vehicles like a loaded rock star; road trips that end up in the exact place you do not want to end up; flirtations with fire-eaters at fetish clubs; strangers who offer to give me lavender bubble baths; people falling off bluffs; kidnapping by bank robbers; and so on, and so on, and so on.

It's always like that. And not without reason, I suppose.

So, I recently spent a long weekend in A Town Near You, reuniting with various members of the Genius Patrol. On a lovely, sunny afternoon Charlotte (otherwise known as Little Sister: Champion of the Underdog!) and I had separated from the boys and were gallivanting about the town. She was preparing for an upcoming mission in the wilderness and needed an appropriate case for her arsenal. On our way back to our secret hideout, we happened upon a dark and unusual place neither of us had seen before...a veritable Aladdin's cave of strange delights and unnerving curiosities, a place both enticing and horrifying.

We stopped, peered inside, and then looked at each other. I said to Charlotte, "We have to, don't we? It's our duty to investigate." Which is true. Although all of the members of the Genius Patrol have scattered to the four winds, A Town Near You is our home, and it is ever our duty to defend it when the opportunity presents itself. And this place definitely screamed "suspicious". We cautiously stepped inside, where our eyes were instantly dazzled by a panoply of glittery baubles, tawdry brocades, jeweled bottles, and other fascinating fripperies. We had barely begun to investigate--half-guarded and yet half-mesmerized by this sparkly, foreign Wunderkabinett of tacky treasures--when The Raven appeared from behind a table piled high with unusual items gilded, bedazzled, and feathered.

"Hello, girls...," The Raven beckons with a voice deep and smoky with age and experience. "Come on in...I have something to show you...."

Now, Charlotte and I did not just fall off the turnip truck. We are seasoned crime fighters who have faced enemies of all sorts, from troublesome to terrifying, from fierce to fantastical, yet somehow, we were unable to resist the invitation, although we knew we should. The Raven, ever the trickster despite her advanced years, had established a hold on us...or on me, at least. She honed in on me, handing me a pair of bejeweled goggles with green lenses and cooed, "Put these on...they're so pretty...."

And I did. And it was all downhill from there.

The next thing I remember, she said, "Have you girls got some time?" but it was much more of a statement than a question, and I found myself turning to Charlotte as if in a trance, facing her and slowly nodding, "Yes, yes, we have time." The Raven eyed me up and down, saying "I have something perfect for you; it's a ballgown...", and she layered my arms with garment upon garment in black satin and red-and-black brocade. Trying to shake the haze from my mind, I thought, "This isn't possible...this isn't possible...no one ever has a ballgown in my size just laying around...this must be a trick...," but even that reality could not shake the enchantment. She pointed me toward the back of her lair and gave me a little push. "Now go put it on. The hoop is in the back."

And I did exactly as I was told. I undressed and donned the heavy layers of The Raven's garments, which somehow fit me exactly. I emerged from the back of her lair dizzy and out of sorts, only to find Charlotte in a similar state of undress. "I need help..." Charlotte managed to choke out, "...with this zipper..." Somewhere in the recesses of my consciousness, I knew she was fighting something, and I knew I needed to go to her. I knew something wasn't right. I approached Charlotte, reaching my hands out for the zipper on her pale blue velvet bodice, when The Raven jumped in between us and shooed me away. "Now let me do that. I know how these zippers work," she insisted. "You just go have a seat over there," she said and nodded in the direction of a giant throne, a grand monstrosity of heavy, dark wood and red velvet. I moved towards the throne as if wading through water, barely noticing that The Raven had handed Charlotte a different gown and shoved her once again towards the far depths of the cave.

Somehow, I knew we should not be separated, and I looked toward Charlotte making her way to the back, when The Raven appeared directly in front of me, as if by magic, holding something in her hands. "Wait," she said as I was about to seat myself on the throne, "You need this first...I have just the perfect thing...." And she slunk behind me and lowered a crimson and gold mask over my eyes, trimmed in black and red ostrich plumes and a single, scarlet gemstone placed exactly in the location of the psychic Third Eye. She placed the heavy paper mache mask over my face and tied it tightly in the back, and I felt the effects instantly. I was hypnotized, lulled into a helpless stupor, like when Dorothy and her companions encounter the field of opium poppies in The Wizard of Oz.

She took me by the shoulders and lowered me down onto the throne, and I was instantly uncomfortable, almost uncomfortable enough to break through The Raven's enchantments, when she saw her miscalculation and instantly corrected it. "You need to know one thing," The Raven instructed me, "Never sit on your hoop." After which, she proceeded to lift up the back of my hoopskirt, underskirt, and ballgown, exposing my fabulous-if-scanty unmentionables to the air. Of course, modesty forced me to sit back down on the throne just to keep myself unexposed, and at that point I realized that I had been trapped by The Raven's tricks. I looked up at the epiphany, only to see The Raven strapping a beautiful-yet-haunting harlequin mask on Charlotte, completely obscuring her features. We could not even make eye contact.

Who knows how long we spent in The Raven's lair, with her dressing and undressing us like living dolls--adding accessories, adjusting our straps, tucking little ornamental weapons into our brassieres--all the time beaming with her victory. Catching not one but two members of the Genius Patrol in her snare? It was indeed a feat that had never been accomplished by the most calculating of villains, and so charmed were we that Charlotte and I would probably still be there now, had not a kilted Scotsman happened upon the lair, tempting The Raven to add to her collection of toy dolls and providing enough of an unusual sight to shock Charlotte and me back to out senses long enough to tear off the enchanted garments and make our escape.

As we were running towards our getaway car, Charlotte noted, "This kind of thing only happens when I'm with you."

Back at the secret hideout, the boys of the Genius Patrol--in the midst of organizing a search party, as we had indeed been gone a long, long time--questioned us about our whereabouts. As we began to tell them our tale of the Trickster's lair and her enchanted garments, Clark turned his face towards me and frowned. "And whose idea was it to check it out in the first place?" he asked, looking pointedly at me. He already knew the answer.

"Well, it looked really suspicious," I sputtered in my own defense, "And when you see something like that, you have to know, don't you? You have to know."

"That's the problem," Clark sighed, sinking back into the sofa. "You have to know. Charlotte knows better."